


It's A Long, Hard Road

by TazzyJan



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Betrayal, M/M, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide attempts (possibly in later chapters), Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2013-05-02
Packaged: 2017-12-08 16:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TazzyJan/pseuds/TazzyJan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: A long time ago, Tony Stark was brutally raped.  He got over it.  Mostly.  Unbeknownst to the Team, Steve gets exposed to something that causes him to make Tony relive that nightmare.   Also, Tony comes across as rather OOC in this so far, hopefully that will change.</p><p>This is unbeta'd.  If anyone would like the job, let me know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Captain America staggered as the red mist swirled around him. He felt a shudder run through his body as the mist entered his lungs and permeated his exposed skin. His head throbbed and he shook it to clear his suddenly blurry vision.

“Cap, you okay?” Iron Man called over the com, having seen the other man stumble.

“I’m fine,” Captain America replied, the odd sensations over almost as quickly as they had begun. Gripping his shield tightly, he returned to the battle, not giving the strange red mist another thought.

It took them three hours to take care of the newest group of monsters intent upon leveling New York City. They were all tired and sore but no one had sustained any serious injuries. Captain America never even thought to mention the strange mist and Iron Man had been too far up to see it.

Back at the Tower, the Avengers prepared to go out to celebrate their latest victory. For once, Tony had begged off, saying he had a project for Stark Industries due that he had to finish or Pepper was going to have his head on a platter. The others accepted his excuse, leaving Tony alone to commiserate with JARVIS.

Unrequited love, he had decided as he tried to concentrate on the schematics in front of him, was a real bitch. However, unrequited love that gave you a panic attack to even think about had to be some sort of cosmic joke.

“Perhaps you should tell him,” JARVIS suggested when Tony sighed and threw down the wrench he had just picked up.

Tony snorted in reply. “Yeah, I can picture that now. Hey Cap, I think I’m in love with you but don’t panic or anything because… you know… even if you were amenable just the thought of you touching me _like that_ scares me so bad it feels like the arc reactor’s been pulled out again.”

“He might understand, sir,” JARVIS tried again.

“Oh, he’d understand alright. He’d understand just how fucked up I really am. I can’t… I can’t risk it, J. I know I’m pathetic but even this is better than losing him altogether.”

“I understand,” JARVIS replied, his artificial voice sounding sad. “But you are not, nor have you ever been, pathetic.”

“Thanks,” Tony said softly before focusing once more on his work.

***  
Across town, the rest of the Avengers were getting ready to order dinner when Steve pushed his chair back. “I’m sorry, guys,” he said sheepishly. “My head’s pounding. I think I’m just going to head back and get some rest.”

“You sure, Cap?” Clint asked, concerned. “You want one of us to go with you?”

“No. No. I’ll be fine,” Steve rushed to assure them. The last thing he wanted was for one of them to go back with him. That would ruin everything. “It’s nothing a little rest won’t cure. You guys have fun.”

The team said goodnight and watched him go. None of them thought about the fact that Captain America really did not get headaches anymore thanks to the serum.

Steve got back to the Tower as quickly as he could without drawing unwanted attention to himself. Once there, he confirmed with JARVIS that Tony was still tinkering around in his workshop and smiled. Using his best “aw shucks” voice, he asked JARVIS not to alert Tony to his return, saying he wanted to surprise the other man. Once JARVIS’ cooperation was assured, Steve smiled and made his way toward Tony’s workshop. He had a surprise in store for Mr. Stark alright. One he was sure the other man would be remembering for a long time to come.

Steve wasn’t a fool. Nor was he the innocent that everyone seemed to think he was. He’d seen the way Stark looked at him when he thought no one was watching. The naked want in the other man’s eyes was easy to see. Well, if Stark wanted him, Steve fully intended to see that the man got him. As these thoughts and others rushed through Steve’s head, something dark and hot coiled low in is belly and he felt himself start to harden. With a smirk worthy of Tony himself, Steve sauntered into the workshop and toward his prize.

***  
Tony was so lost in his own thoughts that he did not even realize Steve was there until a large hand dropped onto his shoulder heavily. He yelped and tried to spin around but Steve held him in place easily. “Geez, Cap!” he gasped once he heard Steve’s familiar chuckle, “give a guy a heart attack, why don’t ya?”

“Sorry, Tony,” Steve said, trying and failing to look contrite. “I just couldn’t resist.”

“Couldn’t resist, huh? Well, I know I’m irresistible…” Tony began only to be cut off as Steve spun the chair he was sitting in around and stared down at him.

Steve made it a point to look his friend over from head to toe, letting his eyes linger on certain parts of Tony’s anatomy longer than others. When he looked back into Tony’s eyes he let some of the desire coiling inside him show though and was pleased when Tony actually gasped and tried to pull back.

“Going someplace, Stark?” Steve asked, his voice low and dirty. At the same time, he tightened his grip on Tony’s shoulder letting the man know that he was not going anywhere unless Steve allowed it.

“Steve…” Tony said, swallowing thickly, his voice strained. “Buddy… what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Steve said, smiling a shark’s smile at him and leaning in close. “At least nothing that you on your knees with your mouth wrapped around my dick won’t fix.”

If Steve thought Tony’s shocked expression looked good, the outright fear shining in them now was mouthwatering. Squeezing Tony’s shoulder hard enough to hurt, Steve lunged forward and covered Tony’s mouth with his own. He took advantage of Tony’s shock and thrust his tongue into the other man’s mouth, tasting him thoroughly.

Tony, for his part, was too shocked to move. He never expected his friend to do something like this… at least not so violently, and it made something inside of him want to curl up and die as memories of a teen-aged Tony (young and stupid and in over his head) being abused again and again assailed him.

Finally, Steve pulled back from the kiss. Tony’s lips were red and swollen and his eyes were absolutely terrified. Leaning in close to Tony’s ear, Steve gave it a playful lick before whispering, “What’s the matter, Tony? Don’t you want me?”

Steve’s words acted like a catalyst and Tony jerked back and away from him as hard as he could with Steve’s hand still digging mercilessly into his shoulder. “N-n-no!” he shouted and began to struggle in earnest to get free.

“Liar,” Steve said as he rose up. He kept his hand on Tony's shoulder, pinning him in place, then casually backhanded the man across the face hard enough to knock him from the chair. “I’ve seen you looking at me, watching me, practically fucking me with your eyes.” Steve was standing over Tony now, his hands clenched into fists and breath coming in harsh, angry pants.

“Captain Rogers, I must ask that you step away from sir this instant,” JARVIS’ voice rang out with all of the authority the AI could muster.

“Shut it, JARVIS,” Steve said without taking his eyes from Tony.

“Captain Rogers, if you do not desist…” JARVIS began only to be cut off by Steve’s quite threat.

“or I’ll break both his arms.”

JARVIS fell silent at once. He had already contacted the rest of the Avengers. All he could do now was wait and watch and hope they got their in time.

Tony stared up at his friend, unsure what to do. He stayed as still as possible, afraid that any movement on his part might trigger an attack. And he had no delusions about what the outcome would be if that happened. In the suit, Iron Man was Captain America’s equal, but out if, he was not match for the super soldier. At the moment, he was no match for anyone. At the moment, he was no better than that scared boy he had been all those years ago. 

All at once, something inside him seemed to break and he found himself begging. Begging as he had those men in that alley that had used him so horribly. Begging as he had sworn to himself he would never do again. Begging as the last vestiges of his self-esteem bled out and died on his workshop floor while Steve stood over him and laughed.

***


	2. Chapter 2

The Avengers got the call as they were eating. The sound of actual _panic_ in JARVIS’ voice was enough to have them out the door at a run, knowing instinctively that it was Tony that was in trouble. They got an update from JARVIS on the way, letting them know that Steve had somehow been compromised. They planned on the way. They understood that they needed to disable Steve as quickly as possible. JARVIS quietly informed them that Tony would most likely be of no assistance to them.

All of their hastily made plans went out the window when they stormed into Tony’s workshop and took in the sight before them. Tony was cowering on the floor, wide-eyed and utterly terrified, making a choking-keening sound as Steve stood over him, his pants undone and one hand reaching inside to free himself.

“Captain, stop!” Natasha called out firmly, startling Steve and breaking the others out of their paralysis.

Steve rounded on her angrily. His fists were clenching and unclenching as he snarled at the interruption. “No!” he growled taking another stop forward so that he was standing completely over Tony. “The whore is _mine_!”

“Captain…” Natasha tried again as Clint and Bruce edged around her and into the room.

“He’s mine,” Steve repeated then smiled. “But the rest of you are welcome to have a go at him when I’m done.”

“N-no, please… please don’t…” Tony begged from the floor as he started to shake. It could not happen again. He could not live through that again, not and come out whole. It would kill him.

“It’s alright, Tony,” Natasha tried to soothe the distraught man, her eyes never leaving Steve. “No one here’s going to hurt you.”

“Speak for yourself, bitch,” Steve spat at her. He felt Tony try to move out from under him and turned back to face him. It was the opening the others were waiting for. Clint and Bruce moved at once, bearing the enraged super soldier to the floor. Before Steve had a chance to throw them off, Natasha was there grimly slipping a needle into his neck.

Once Steve was secured in a room even he could not get out of, the others rushed back to Tony. They found him sitting on the floor, his back pressed up against the wall, and his knees drawn up to his chest, rocking back and forth. Bruce tried to approach him first, moving in slowly with his hands held up, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. Tony made that horrible choking sound again and tried to push back into the wall even further. 

“It’s okay, Tony,” Bruce soothed. “I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe now.”

“Please,” Tony begged brokenly, tears running down his face. “I can’t… not again… Please don’t make me…”

“Let me try,” Natasha said softly. She waited for Bruce to move back before slowly approaching Tony. Tony whimpered but did not try to pull back so Natasha kept going. “It’s okay, Tony. You’re safe now. I won’t let them hurt you. Not again.”

“You won’t?” Tony asked, looking at Natasha with so much naked hope that it made her chest hurt.

“I won’t,” she vowed and held out her hand to him. She waited patiently as Tony’s eyes flicked to Bruce then to Clint then back to her. Finally, he unwrapped his arms from around his legs and took her hand.

Natasha met him halfway, pulling him into her arms and simply holding him as he shook. She felt his arms encircle her loosely as she whispered soft assurances into his ear. Eventually, they managed to get Tony up to his room and into bed. Natasha stayed with him, holding his hand, until long after he was asleep.

***  
It was nearly noon before Tony could bring himself to go down to the common rooms where the others had gathered. He had spent a long and restless night, plagued by nightmares. Every time they started to get bad, however, one of his teammates had been there to gently wake him. Knowing he could not put it off forever, Tony gathered his tattered dignity and went down to face them.

“It’s alive,” Clint joked when Tony entered the room where there were all gathered. Tony offered him a quick grin in reply before heading to the coffee maker. He would have much rather gone for the booze but he could not bring himself to be even that vulnerable in front of them right now.

“How are you feeling?” Natasha asked once Tony had gotten comfortable.

“Raw,” he told her honestly. He figured after last night he owed them all at least that much.

Natasha reached out and took Tony’s hand, squeezing it gently. Tony froze for a moment then returned the pressure. Clearing his throat, Tony looked at his friends then down at his coffee cup. “I, uh, I wanted to thank you all for last night and, um, I’m sorry you had to, uh, see me like that.”

“Tony…” Bruce began, not really knowing what to say. 

“So… how is he?” Tony rushed on before Bruce could say any more.

“Still out,” Clint replied. At Tony’s alarmed look he continued. “He woke up last night but was still under the effects of whatever it was so we dosed him again.”

“He was more coherent when he woke up,” Bruce assured him, “but he still wasn’t quite right. We’ve had JARVIS monitoring him. He should be coming around again any time now.”

Tony nodded his head, struggling to come to grips with everything that had happened. He felt like crying inside, worse than he did in Afghanistan, worse even than after Obie’s betrayal. He felt like he had been taken apart and all the horrible bits inside of him laid bare for everyone to see.

“It wasn’t his fault,” Tony said softly, more to himself than anyone else. “Something was wrong with him. This… this wasn’t his fault.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Natasha agreed, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t be angry with him for what he tried to do to you.”

Tony did not reply, merely nodding and gripping Natasha’s hand a little tighter. “But you guys,” he said at last, looking around at the three of them. “You guys can’t blame him or be mad at him. Okay? He… he doesn’t need that. Okay?”

“Don’t worry, Tony,” Natasha assured him as Clint and Bruce nodded. “We’ll be there for Steve just like we’re going to be here for you. We promise.” 

She paused then, unsure if she should continue or not. Tony’s answering silence decided her. “Do you want to talk about it?” she cajoled gently. “About what happened… before…. I mean.”

Tony set his coffee cup down and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Not really,” he replied. “Let’s just say I was young and dumb and got what I deserved and leave it at that.”

“Tony,” Natasha admonished. “No one deserves to be raped. I don’t care how young and stupid and mouthy you might have been. You never deserved to be hurt like that.”

“I think Howard might have disagreed with you on that one,” Tony said.

Clint gasped and got up from his perch on a nearby stool. He moved over to Tony’s side and took the hand Natasha was not holding. “Then your old man was even more of a bastard than mine was. Nat’s right. Even at your worst, you never had it coming to you.”

They sat in silence for a while until Bruce’s soft voice asked, “How old were you?”

“Fifteen,” Tony replied with a sigh. “I was fifteen and thought I was cock-of-the-walk. They showed me pretty quick that I wasn’t.”

“They?” Bruce pressed. He knew Tony needed to talk about this. He could see it in the man’s eyes, in the way he allowed Clint and Natasha to huddle close to him as if trying to protect him. 

“There were three of them,” Tony admitted with a sigh. He might as well be completely honest with them. They had seen him at his absolute lowest and were still here, still calling him friend and trying to help him. He owed them at least as much effort on his own part. Besides, maybe talking through all of this now would somehow be able to help Steve.

“Give me their names and they’ll be dead before the week’s out,” Clint told him, his voice going hard as steel. He could only imagine how scared the young Tony would have been. Scared and alone. At least he had always had Barney to look after him.

“Don’t,” Tony told him, gripping Clint’s hand tightly as if to keep the archer there. “It was a long time ago and it doesn’t really matter anymore.”

“It matters to me,” Clint told him. A quick look at Natasha quelled some of the anger raging inside him. They would find them. When Tony was able to stand on his own again, he and Natasha would hunt down the men that hurt him and make them pay. For now, though, Tony needed them. 

“Clint…” Tony began.

“It’s okay,” Clint told him quickly. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. Not right now anyway. At the moment, we have bigger fish to fry.”

“Yeah, we’ve got to help Cap. God, I hope he doesn’t remember…”

Bruce was about to speak when JARVIS interrupted them. “Pardon me, but I thought I should inform you all that Captain Rogers is beginning to awaken.

***


	3. Chapter 3

Tony felt his mouth go dry at JARVIS’ announcement and instinctively clutched Natasha’s hand tighter. He was fighting to keep himself from jumping up and simply running as far and as fast as he could. His rational mind knew he was safe. He was surrounded by his friends and Steve was still in lockdown. That knowledge, however, did not stop his heart from trying to pound out of his chest or his hands from shaking.

“Tony, hey. Tony,” Natasha said, trying to stop the panic attack before it went too far. “It’s alright. You’re safe. Steve’s still restrained and we can knock him back out if he’s not back to himself. Come on, you need to calm down some. Okay?”

Tony looked at her, then at Clint and Bruce. He could see the worry on their faces and it made his face flush with embarrassment. He was not some scared kid anymore. He was Iron Man. He did not need to hide behind Natasha’s skirt like a child. 

“Stop it,” Bruce told him. “You don’t get to be embarrassed about needing us.”

“I’m supposed to be Iron Man,” Tony said softly, as if that should explain everything.

“And you are,” Clint told him. “But you’re also Tony and Tony has every right to be a little scared. You’ve just got to trust us. We won’t let him near you. Not if he’s still being… effected or whatever.”

“Why don’t you guys wait here while I go down and check Steve out?” Bruce suggested.

Tony’s head snapped around to stare at the other man. “Not alone,” he said firmly. “Take Clint with you at least. You’re no match for him alone, Bruce.”

“The Other Guy is,” Bruce stated flatly.

“That’s exactly what we don’t need,” Tony said. “Take Clint. Natasha and I will stay here and monitor you via JARVIS. If _anything_ seems off, you get the hell out of there.”

“Alright,” Bruce agreed. Tony was right. The last thing they needed was an altercation between Captain America and the Hulk. The Other Guy was protective of Tony on a good day, with him like this, there was no telling what the Hulk might do to Rogers.

When the two men left to check on Steve, Tony had JARVIS bring up the video feed for the containment room where he was being kept. Steve appeared calm, as if was simply waiting for someone to come and let him out. JARVIS explained that he had informed the Captain of where he was and that Dr. Banner would be coming to see him shortly. 

“JARVIS… does he seem like he’s… back?” Tony asked hesitantly.

“It would appear so, sir,“ JARVIS replied. “His heart rate is within the normal parameters for Captain Rogers and he does not appear aggressive. He readily accepted my assurance that he was in the Tower and that Dr. Banner was on his way.”

“Was he like this before when he woke up?” Tony pressed.

“No,” JARVIS said succinctly, refusing to elaborate.

“He tried to play it off,” Natasha filled in when it was clear the AI was not going to. “But we could tell. It was like there was something simmering just under his skin. He kept clenching his fists over and over again. He’s not doing that now.”

“Huh,” Tony said as he studied the image of Steve on the screen. “Do you think he could be faking?”

“No,” Natasha replied without hesitation. “He’s completely relaxed. Whatever it was, I think it’s over.”

Just then they saw Bruce and Clint cautiously enter the containment room. Clint held back by the door, careful to guard the exit in case Steve tried to escape. The archer was wary, cautious not to let Bruce get between them and block his line of fire. 

“Bruce,” Steve rasped, his voice dry and rough. “What’s going on? JARVIS said something had happened to me, but I… I don’t remember anything.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Bruce asked, avoiding the question for the moment.

Steve thought, casting his mind back. “I remember the call out and the fight. I remember the debriefing with Fury. We… we were all going out to dinner, right?”

Bruce nodded. “Then what?”

“Then nothing,” Steve said in frustration. “Nothing until I woke up tied down in Tony’s Hulk-proof room. What happened? Did I do something? I didn’t… I didn’t hurt anybody, did I?”

“Hurt anybody?” Clint snarled, coming away from his position by the door angrily. 

“Clint,” Bruce said, stepping in front of the archer and putting a restraining hand on his chest. “He may genuinely not remember.”

“Oh God,” Steve groaned, taking in Clint’s obvious anger. “Is… is she going to be okay?”

“She?” Clint snapped, dangerously close to shoving past Bruce. “You think you hurt Nat?”

“Clint!” Bruce thundered, his voice dropping down an octave as his eyes flashed green. He took a deep breath and continued more calmly. “We promised Tony, remember?”

Clint forced himself to take a deep breath and step back. Bruce was right. They had promised Tony they would not blame Steve, but it was damned hard with Tony upstairs barely holding it together and Steve down here absolutely clueless.

“I don’t understand,” Steve said, eyeing the two men. He had heard Bruce’s words to Clint but they did not make any sense.

“You didn’t hurt Natasha, Steve,” Bruce said as he returned to taking the man’s vitals. Everything appeared to be normal. Whatever had been affecting the super soldier must have worked its way out of his system.

“Then who…” Steve trailed off, his eyes going wide as the horrible realization set in. “Tony? I hurt Tony? My God, Bruce, what… what did I do?” Steve thought he was going to be sick. He’d hurt Tony. His friend. The one least able to defend himself when out of his Iron Man armor. 

***

Upstairs, Natasha and Tony could only watch as the drama unfolded. Tony had jumped to his feet when Clint had come off the wall toward Steve. He would have raced down there himself but Bruce had stopped the man from doing or saying anything else and Tony had stayed rooted to the spot as he watched Steve. Gone were the anger and the sneering taunts. This was Steve, his friend, not the monster who had attacked him in his workshop.

“I… I should go down there,” Tony said, more to himself than Natasha.

“No,” Natasha shook her head. “Let Bruce and Clint deal with him for now. You can see him when they bring him up.”

Tony nodded his agreement. He had not wanted to go down and face Steve in that room just yet any way. It was too small with too few ways out. “At least he doesn’t remember,” Tony said, trying to find something positive in this whole mess. “At least he doesn’t have to live with that running around in his head.”

“You do,” Natasha pointed out. She was not trying to be cruel but if Rogers truly had no memory of what he had done, how close he had come to nearly breaking this man, then she thought he was getting off much easier than he deserved. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Tony relented. “But I’m already fucked up so… you know… no big deal. Steve’s… he doesn’t deserve to have shit like this happen to him.”

“Tony…” Natasha trailed off, shaking her head. “How can you value yourself so little when the rest of us value you so much of you?”

***

“Steve, listen to me,” Bruce said as he leaned over the man so his face was only inches away. “If you don’t calm down I’m not letting you out of the restraints.”

Steve’s eyes locked with Bruce’s and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He could see that the other man meant it. If he could not be calm then Bruce would leave him here and he could not have that. He had to get to Tony. He had to find out how badly he had hurt the other man. 

“Bruce, tell me, please, how bad is he hurt?” Steve asked, needing to know. From the way the others were acting as well as Tony’s conspicuous absence, he feared the worst.

Knowing that keeping it from Steve would only make him worry more, Bruce relented. “Physically, his injuries are rather minor. A few bruises and a hairline fracture to the left clavicle.”

“I broke his…”

“A hairline fracture,” Bruce broke in before Steve could get started. “Barely noticeable. It’s more like a really bad bruise. It should heal up just fine.”

Steve nodded, unable to find the words. Then something Bruce said registered. He said “physically”. That implied that Tony had been hurt in some way other than merely physically. My God, what had he done?

“What else?” Steve managed to force out around the rapidly forming lump in his throat.

“Nothing else. That was the extent of his physical injuries.”

“You said it again,” Steve pressed. “Physical injuries. That means I did more than just use my fists on him. I hurt him in some way other than physically. Tell me, damn it! What. Did. I. Do!”

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Bruce said, shaking his head. “You’re going to have to ask Tony that. We can tell you what we saw but a lot went down before we could get here. I’m sorry.”

“Fine,” Steve ground out. “JARVIS keeps a record of everything that goes on in the Tower. I’ll find out from him.”

“I am sorry, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS’ voice rang out, “but you will need sir’s permission before I can allow you access to those files. They have been relocated to his private archives.”

“Please… I can’t fix this if I don’t know what I did.”

“I am sorry, Captain, but I do not believe access to those files would give you any greater chance of ‘fixing this’ as it were. Some things, once broken, simply cannot be repaired.”

***

It took another fifteen minutes for Bruce to convince Clint that Steve was safe enough to be let out of the restraints. Clint still made it painfully clear that one wrong move on Roger’s part would provoke an immediate, and possibly lethal, response. Steve had not argued. He had merely nodded and thanked the men for their diligence as he followed them up to where Tony and Natasha were waiting. 

As soon as Bruce entered the room, Tony started to tremble. He knew Steve was right behind him and he suddenly did not think he could face the other man. Natasha’s firm grip once again kept him from running and he held on as tightly as he could.

“Tony…” Steve said, freezing for a moment to take in his friend’s state. There was a large, dark bruise covering half of Tony’s face and he was deathly pale. Other than that, there no outward signs of the trauma Steve knew he had inflicted. He took a step toward the other man, wanting to apologize but Tony jerked backward, dragging Natasha with him.

“Stop!” Clint called out when he saw Tony panic. He need not have worried. The abject terror on Tony’s face was enough to stop Steve in his tracks.

All at once a flash of memory hit Steve and he moaned. The last time he had seen Tony he had looked equally terrified… and Steve had enjoyed it. Suddenly, it was like a damn broke. Image after image flashed through Steve’s mind. Grabbing Tony. Threatening Tony. Hitting Tony. And, worst of all, preparing to rape Tony. 

Steve fell to his knees with a cry, his hands fisted at his temples, trying to stop the horrible images from coming. He had done this. He had threatened and hurt his friend. His best friend. The man he cared more for than other in his life. Ever. The man he would have raped last night if the others had not gotten there when they did.

For his part, Tony watched as Steve’s memories came flooding back. He heard the anguish in his voice and saw the pain in his eyes as he finally understood what he had done. Tony ached for him. He wanted to reach out to him and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay, but he simply could not. It was all still too fresh for him, too raw. All he could see when he looked at Steve right now was the man that had attacked him, intent on taking what he wanted regardless of Tony’s wishes.

The strange tableau lasted for several long minutes with Steve on his knees and Tony cowering on the far side of the room until Natasha spoke up. “You two stay with Steve,” she told Clint and Bruce. “I’m going to take Tony back to his room.” She hustled Tony away as quickly as she could, careful to keep herself between him and Steve. She would let the others deal with him. Her only concern right now was the man quietly falling apart beside her. 

Steve could only watch as Natasha spirited Tony away. He wanted to reach out to him, to crawl on his knees and beg for forgiveness but he knew the others were not going to let him anywhere near Tony. Not now. Maybe not ever. 

“Come on, Steve,” Bruce said as he and Clint reached down and grabbed the man by the arms. They lifted him to his feet and moved him to the sofa. Once he was settled, they both moved back, giving him space. 

“Why?” Steve asked, looking back and forth between the two. Why would he do such a thing, especially to Tony?

“We’re not really sure,” Bruce said. “We think you might have gotten dosed with something somehow.”

“He never even fought back,” Steve said quietly. The memories were all so fresh in his mind but the one thing he seemed to remember most was that Tony had not even tried to fight back.

“Yeah,” Bruce said, running a hand through his hair. “I figured as much from the lack of physical damage. You, uh, that is your actions seemed to trigger a childhood trauma. He literally wasn’t capable of fighting back.”

“Childhood trauma?” Steve asked, almost afraid to know.

“Yeah, seems getting gang-banged at fifteen can leave a lasting impression on a guy,” Clint sneered. 

“Clint, that’s enough,” Bruce told him. The last thing they needed was for Clint to go tearing into Steve right now. 

“What… what do mean? Are you saying…” Steve trailed off, unable to say the words aloud.

“Tony was gang-raped when he was fifteen,” Bruce explained. “Your… attack… caused a flashback of sorts.”

Steve looked like he was going to be sick. Raped. At fifteen. And now here Tony was, trapped back in that hell because of him. 

***


	4. Chapter 4

Natasha got Tony back to his room and tucked him into bed. He went willingly, a testament to how much of a toll this was taking on him. Sitting down beside him once more, she held his hand, stroking it softly until the fine tremors finally stopped. She did not want to leave him but she needed to see about the others, especially Clint. She had seen the way Clint had gone after Steve on the video feed. The rage burning in his eyes had been as plain as day to her. She did not want to imagine what could have happened after she and Tony left. 

She understood where her partner was coming from. He still blamed himself for what Loki made him do. Which meant that some part of him, no matter what Tony or anyone else said, was going to blame Steve for what he had done. The fact that it was Tony that had gotten hurt just made it worse. After all, they all felt a bit protective of their resident genius whenever he was out of the suit. 

“Tony, will you be okay by yourself for a little while?” Natasha asked apprehensively. She hated the idea of leaving Tony, even for a few minutes, but she really needed to check on her partner . “I need to go down and check on the others.”

“Yeah,” Tony said tiredly, feeling bad again for being such a nuisance. “JARVIS is here. He’ll keep me company. Besides, I think Clint might need a breather.”

“Yes,” Natasha said. “He’s not… handling things as well as I’d hoped.”

“Ah, I’m sorry,” Tony said after a moment, looking away. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to drag all this shit up again for Clint. The guy was just starting to make some sort of peace with it all. Or at least Tony had thought he was. 

“Not your fault,” Natasha told him firmly. “You didn’t cause this. And before you say it, I know, it’s not Steve’s fault either but Clint isn’t going to see it that way. Not for a while at least.”

Tony did not say anything at first, still struggling with the fact that he actually was not the one being blamed for the current fiasco. Finally, he found his voice. “After you talk to him, have Clint come up here. Maybe I can talk some sense into him. Or at least get him to ratchet it down a few notches.”

Natasha patted his hand and stood then leaned down and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead before turning and walking out of the room. She paused outside Tony’s door and took a deep breath. “JARVIS, notify me immediately if Tony starts having any problems.”

“Of course, Agent Romanov,” JARVIS replied. After a moment’s hesitation, he continued. “I feel I must inform you, for sir’s own good, that when this happened before sir was… quite distraught.”

“I would imagine so,” Natasha replied. “What exactly are you trying to tell me?”

“That sir attempted to take his own life several times after the initial incident,” JARVIS told her. “Considering his feelings for Captain Rogers, it would not be out of the realm of possibilities for sir to attempt such a thing again.”

“Shit,” Natasha sighed then continued, not really wanting to know the answer. “His feelings for Rogers?”

“Sir is in love with Captain Rogers but refused to act on his feelings because of what had happened to him and his fear of male intimacy,” JARVIS explained. 

“Shit,” Natasha said again, more vehemently. This was even worse than she thought. Well, all they could do was take it one step at a time. “JARVIS, if Tony starts behaving… erratically… in any way, notify whoever is closest immediately.”

“Very good, Agent Romanov,” came JARVIS’ reply.

***

She found them downstairs where she had left them. Steve was on the couch looking nearly catatonic. Bruce was next to him, speaking softly. Clint was across the room, his arms folded across his chest and practically vibrating with everything he was trying to hold inside. She crossed to him first and gripped his arms tightly. “Come with me,” she told Clint and proceeded to walk past him, leaving him no time to argue. 

Clint followed obediently. He knew Bruce could handle Steve at the moment. Hell, it looked like a kitten could handle the super soldier for now. Clint felt dread pool in his belly when Natasha led him to the training room but he was not really surprised. He knew he still had issues. Hell, he still woke up with a scream dying on his lips some nights. 

Once inside, Natasha began to circle him cautiously. Clint watched her, waiting for her attack. He blocked it when it came, barely and swung back, nearly clipping her shoulder before she spun away. They danced around each other for a while, trading blows, until they were both breathing hard. Finally, they stop and Natasha eyes him warily.

“This isn’t just about Tony, is it?” she asks, concern coloring her words.

“No,” Clint sighed, willing her to understand. “No, but… Phil and his fucking suits…” It is not what he meant to say at all but there was no way to pull the words back.

“Clint…” Natasha began only for Clint to cut her off.

“No, listen. He put on a suit and acted all capable and invincible until everyone else believed him and then he died and tell me that doesn’t sound the slightest bit like Stark.”

Natasha stared at him, barely suppressing a gasp of surprise. She had never made the connection before but now that Clint had said it, yes, Tony did bear a remarkable resemblance to Phil in so many ways. And they had lost Phil. Clint had barely survived that. If they lost Tony, too…

“Tony isn’t Phil,” Natasha said at last. She held up her hand when Clint opened his mouth to speak and he snapped his jaw closed. “Tony isn’t Phil and we are _not_ going to lose him. Not like this.”

Clint nodded jerkily and she took a deep breath, steeling herself for the conversation to come. “JARVIS informed me that the last time this happened Tony became suicidal,” she told him, doing her level best to keep the fear and anxiety from her voice. 

“Shit!” Clint spat. Steve would freak the hell out if Tony tried anything like that. “But I guess, I mean… fifteen’s a hard age, even without all that. And Steve’s not whoever those douchebags were. Tony knows that.”

“He’s not,” she agreed. “He’s only the reason Howard Stark didn’t consider his son’s attack as anything more than a nuisance. And he’s only the guy who, according to JARVIS, Tony is in love with but too afraid to approach because of his past.”

“Shit. _Fuck_.” Yeah, Clint could see this getting bad fast. He ran his hand through his sweat-slick hair then over his face. 

Natasha paused and studied her partner. She did not want to pry but she knew she simply could not leave things as they were. “Is this… Loki? Clint, did he try anything…”

“Fuck, Tash, _no_.”

Natasha simply waited, watching him.

Eventually he exhaled and met her eyes. “But you know what it’s like to have a fucked up time of it as a teenager.”

She seemed satisfied with whatever she saw on his face and gave him the slightest of smiles. “I do,” she said as she turned on her heel and left him there alone.

“Fuck,” he said to the empty room.

“Agent Barton?” JARVIS said, breaking the silence and making Clint start slightly. “I am sorry, sir, I did not mean to startle you.”

“That’s okay,” Clint replied. “Guess I’m still off my game a little”

“Understandable. However, I believe Sir would like to see you if you don’t mind.”

“Is he okay?” Clint asked at once, Natasha’s words coming back to him. 

“He is fine for the moment,” JARVIS assured him. “He simply wishes your company. And to talk. He is aware that recent events have made things… difficult… for you.”

Clint blew out a breath and threw his head back. “He’s going to blame himself for this, too, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” JARVIS replied.

“Tell him I’ll be right there,” Clint said. He took a few more deep breaths, trying to quell the anger and frustration within him. Tony was going through enough right now. The last thing he needed was Clint making him feel even worse. Shaking his head, he made his way toward the elevator. He had a feeling there were going to be a lot more sparring sessions in his future as he tried to work through his own issues while helping Tony and Steve at the same time.

***

Back upstairs, Natasha walked over to sit next to the other two men. She chose the other side of Steve, bracketing him between herself and Bruce. “I’m sorry about Clint,” she told Steve, resting her hand on his arm. “He’s still having a hard time dealing with what Loki did to him. He blames himself…”

“No,” Steve croaked, his voice rough. “I understand and he has a right to be angry with me. To… to hate me. I hate myself, why shouldn’t he?”

“Clint doesn’t hate you, Steve,” Natasha told him. 

“He should,” Steve argued. “After what I did to Tony… I hadn’t realized they were that… that close. God, no wonder he wants to kill me.” No, Steve did not blame Clint for wanting to kill him for daring to put his hands on Tony. If Tony were his, he would have wanted to kill the bastard that touched him, too. Hell, Tony was most definitely _not_ his and he still wanted to kill himself for what he had done to the man.

“Steve,” Bruce hesitated. “Tony and Clint aren’t… close… as you say. Well, no closer than Tony and I are or Tony and Natasha.”

“They’re not?” Steve replied, confused. “I thought… with the way Clint reacted…”

“No,” Bruce told him. “Clint just feels… protective of Tony.”

“We all do,” Natasha added. “All of us, with the exception of Tony, have a means of defending ourselves at any time. Tony’s only real means of defense is the suit. Without it… well, that tends to make us a little more protective of him.”

“Oh, that’s… that’s good,” Steve said softly. “I feel the same. I always worry so much more about him when he’s just Tony.”

“We know,” Bruce said, smiling a bit. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Steve scrubbed a hand over his face and stood. He was putting off the inevitable and he needed to get it over with, preferably before Clint came back down.

“Going somewhere?” Natasha asked, ready to stop him if he need be.

“I just need to throw some things in my duffel and then I’ll be out of here,” Steve said, the words sharp and painful in his throat. He had thought he had a home here and now he was having to leave it.

“That would not be advisable, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS said before Bruce or Natasha could reply. “Sir would most certainly take your departure as a negative reflection of himself.”

“That’s… that’s absurd!” Steve shouted. “I tried to... I... I hurt him. Surely he can’t want me here, in his home.”

“Captain, I assure you that sir would be most distraught to find you had fled the Tower,” JARVIS argued politely. “He does not blame you for what transpired. He blames only himself. Just as he did then. If you leave now, he will think that you find him… disgusting now that you know of his past and no longer wish to associate with him.”

“JARVIS is right, Steve,” Bruce told him. “Tony is fragile right now. If nothing else, can you bring yourself to stay for him?”

Steve sat down heavily. “Of course,” he agreed. “If that’s what Tony wants then of course I’ll stay. I just can’t imagine him wanting me in his space like this. He… he shouldn’t feel the need to run and hide in his own home.”

“Give him some time,” Natasha instructed. “He’s got a lot he’s trying to work through. Just… just know that we’re here for you. For both of you. Tony insisted on that.”

***

“Knock, knock,” Clint called out at the door to Tony’s bedroom. 

“Come on in,” Tony replied, waving the man into the room. He had sat up in bed, leaning back against the headboard. Tony waited until Clint had settled himself in the chair beside his bed. “What’s up, Birdbrain?”

“Not much,” Clint said with a grin. “Natasha wiped the floor with me for a little while.”

“It help?” Tony asked.

“Yeah. Some,” Clint relented. 

“Loki?” Tony pressed. He hated seeing the archer like this. He liked Clint’s lousy sense of humor and easy smile. He did not want his issues to bleed over onto the other man. He had already endured so much, he hated to see him hurting again.

“That’s part of it. Part of it’s Phil. Part of it’s what happened to you.”

“I’m sorry,” Tony said sincerely. 

“Jesus, Tony, don’t apologize,” Clint said, reaching out and gripping the man’s hand as Natasha had done earlier. “It’s not your fault, okay? It’s just… you remind me so much of Phil sometimes, you know? You think you’re Iron Man all the time and you’re not. Sometimes… sometimes you’re just Tony. And that’s not a bad thing. We like Tony just as much as we like Iron Man. It’s just… Tony tends to be a bit more breakable.”

“Huh,” Tony said, staring at Clint. He knew, rationally, that his team cared about him and not just that he could wear the suit. He knew that. But hearing it said out loud made it seem more real than Tony had ever imagined. 

“You okay?” Clint asked when Tony failed to say anything else.

“Yeah. Yeah. Everything’s good,” Tony said quickly. “But seriously, I am sorry that this mess is dredging all this shit back up again for you. You were… you were getting so much better. You don’t deserve to have to deal with all of this.”

“Yeah,” Clint agreed. “It’s hard, you know? When Loki had me… it was bad. He was... he was _everywhere_. Touching me. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t make him stop.”

“Did he…”

“No,” Clint said quickly. “Oh, he made a few threats. Talked about using me and stuff. The worst was when he threatened to make me… make me h-hurt someone else.”

“Clint, hey,” Tony said, swinging his legs around so he was facing Clint and gripping the other man’s hand tightly. “It’s okay. It’s over now and he didn’t. Right?”

“Right,” Clint said, his voice tight with remembered pain. 

Tony waited until the other man had calmed before speaking again. “So, that why you’re so mad at Cap?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Clint agreed. “I remember what it felt like to be… to be used like that. To have my will completely disregarded. The thought of him doing that to you…”

“But it wasn’t his fault,” Tony argued. “You do understand that, right? Just like it wasn’t your fault about Agent or anything else that happened while Loki had you. This… what happened here… it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“Do you really believe that?” Clint asked him.

“Of course,” Tony said, trying hard to sound sincere.

“Then what are you hiding from?”

***


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to asynchrony for all of the help. The story is much better because of it.

Steve lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. It was early yet, especially for them, but everyone was emotionally wrung out so they had opted for bed. He was not sure which one of them was staying with Tony. He thought there was a good chance it was all three of them. He could not really blame them. He wanted to protect Tony just as badly as they did. 

Every time he thought about what he had done, he wanted to curl up and die. He felt like crying but the tears simply would not come. He had… he had tried to… to… rape… Tony. He had tried to rape his best friend. And he would have if the others had not stopped him. He, Steve Rogers, Captain America, was a rapist. He laughed derisively, the sound almost like a sob. The great Captain America who had always despised bullies had become the biggest bully of them all.

Steve lay there for a moment and let the knowledge sink in. Shame washed over him as he realized he was no longer fit to wear his uniform. He was no longer fit to carry his shield. He was the antithesis of everything Captain America was supposed to stand for. He thought about quitting, about simply handing Fury his shield and telling him to find someone else, that he was no hero. That he, Steve Rogers, had become as much of a monster as Loki ever was. Then he remembered JARVIS’ words and thought about how Tony would probably react. He would blame himself, of course, at least if what JARVIS and the others said was true. He would blame himself and what little bit of self-worth he had left would be utterly destroyed. He would go back in the ice before he allowed that to happen.

Closing his eyes, Steve tried to think of something else. He tried to picture anything other than Tony sprawled out on the floor staring up at him in fear. It was a long time before sleep finally pulled him under. 

***

Clint lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. His mind kept going back over the day’s events. He felt bad for taking his anger out on Steve. He did not deserve it. It had not been his fault. Clint knew that. He also knew what it was like to be completely out of control, under the influence of something too powerful to fight. He sighed. He was going to have to talk to Steve and apologize. 

Turning his thoughts away from Steve, Clint thought about what he had told Tasha and Tony. It really was a little bit of everything – Loki, Phil and now Tony. And it was all getting jumbled up in his head, mixed together and confused. He knew what it felt like to be in Tony’s place, to be the one being violated and used. But he knew what it was like to be in Steve’s place, too, and that dichotomy was really screwing with his head.

Oh yeah, he could see a lot more sparring sessions with Tasha in his future, as well as some long and painful talks. Closing his eyes, Clint thought of his partner and her unwavering faith in him.

***

Bruce lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. He kept his breathing slow and even, forcing himself to maintain the air of calmness that he had been projecting all day. It was starting to wear him out. The Other Guy was angry and scared. Bruce tried to calm him, telling himself that Tony was going to be okay, that they were all there for him and that he would make it through this. Inside him, the Hulk snarled and snapped and pushed at the bars of calmness holding him inside.

It had been alright, for the most part, until Natasha relayed JARVIS’ warning. The thought of Tony harming himself was enough to have the Hulk fighting to get free. Bruce was sure his eyes had flashed green when she told him and it had taken everything in him to keep his beast at bay.

Bruce knew what it was like to be tormented… to be beaten… scared. He also knew what it was like to be the tormentor… the one doing the terrorizing. He was all too familiar with that sick, greasy feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He hated that Steve was feeling that now. He hated the way the other man’s once bright blue eyes now looked dull and lifeless. Steve had already lost so much – everything and everyone he had ever known. If he were to lose Tony too… Bruce shuddered to think what might happen to the idealistic young man.

***

Natasha sat beside Tony as he lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. He had tried to get her to leave, saying he wanted to be alone and that JARVIS would keep an eye on him. She had simply quirked an eyebrow at him and settled into the chair next to the bed. She had no plans on leaving Tony alone until she was absolutely sure he would not try something foolish. She suspected that he knew this.

As she watched Tony she saw the weariness on his face that he would normally try to keep hidden. It looked like most, if not all, of Tony’s walls were still down and she was getting a very rare glimpse of the real Tony Stark. She thought the price of that glimpse might just be too high. 

She thought about Steve a few floors below and felt her heart ache. For everything that Steve was, he was also incredibly young. And while he had faced loss many times before, she did not think any of those losses had been at his own hand. This had to be eating him alive and Natasha was not sure how to help. She knew they had to help him, though. Just like they had to help Tony. Because if one of them fell, they were going to lose them both. Of that, she was certain.

***

Tony lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. He could not believe how tired he felt and he had spent nearly the entire day in bed. His rapidly whipsawing emotions were exhausting him, leaving him feeling weak and out of control. He had tried to get Natasha to leave, telling her he had no need for a babysitter since he had JARVIS. She just gave him that look and settled into the chair. Secretly, he was glad. JARVIS was great and all but there was no substitute for a real human being sometimes. Just knowing she was there beside him made him rest easier, even if he was ashamed of himself for needing the reassurance.

As he lay there, he wondered if JARVIS had told her anything about the last time. From her refusal to leave him alone for any length of time, he thought he probably had. Tony did not really blame him. JARVIS was just doing what he was programmed to do - look after Tony. It was not necessary, though. Tony was not some scared kid anymore. He was a grown man. He could handle this. Hell, Steve had not done anything other than give him a few bruises. That was nothing to freak out over. Nothing to do anything… permanent… over.

Tony glanced at Natasha out of the corner of his eyes then cleared his throat. “Uh, the uh, bed is pretty big, actually,” he said nervously. “And that chair… really not that comfortable.”

“Are you inviting me to your bed?” Natasha asked, smiling slightly to show she was not angry.

“Just to sleep,” Tony said quickly. “I value my bits and want to keep them all so, really, just to… you know… sleep.”

Natasha stood and walked around to the other side of the bed. She lay down beside him then, careful to keep a bit of room between them.

“I’ll be a perfect gentleman, I promise.”

“I trust you, Tony. Now go to sleep.”

***

Steve thrashed in his bed, his eyes squeezed shut tight. He moaned, as if in pain and his hands clenched repeatedly. In his head, the nightmare began again. _They had him backed into a corner and were slowly closing in. His chest felt tight and he willed his asthmatic lungs to keep breathing. If he had an asthma attack now he’d never be able to defend himself. As it was, he stood no chance of coming out of this unscathed. There were too many of them and they were all so much bigger than he was. All at once, they were on him, his slight frame jarring from the impact of blow after blow. He felt something give way and a sharp pain in his side. They weren’t satisfied when he finally went down and continued to kick him until he lay still, too hurt to even try to move._

The dream shifted then, Steve the scrawny, sickly boy giving way to Steve as he was now. _Tony was pleading with him, begging Steve not to do this to him. Steve laughed down at him, enjoying the look of fear in Tony’s eyes as well as the hint of bitter resignation._

_“I’m going to fuck you so good,” Steve told him, stroking himself through his pants. “When I’m done with you you’ll know exactly what your ass was made for.”_

_“Steve… don’t… you… you don’t want this… this… this isn’t you,” Tony tried to reason, hoping to get through to his friend._

_“You have no idea how badly I want this, Stark,” Steve told him. “I’ve been watching you flash that ass of yours around for months. Now, I want my piece.”_

_“No!” Tony shouted and tried to scoot away but it was too little too late. Steve fell on him then and began tearing at his clothes. Once Tony was naked, Steve flipped him over onto his stomach, pinning him in place with a hand in the middle of Tony’s back._

The sound of a screaming siren jolted Steve upright and out of the dream. He quickly scanned the room, looking for the source of the noise, his breath coming in harsh pants.

“I am sorry to have awakened you so abruptly, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS’ voice rang out once the sirens had stopped. “But you appeared to be in some distress.”

“Distress?” Steve repeated, still fuzzy from being pulled awake so suddenly. Then it came back to him. He had dreamed of when he was younger and then he had dreamed of Tony. His stomach revolting at the memory, Steve rushed to the bathroom. He wretched into the toilet, his body wracked by dry heaves that went on and on. When he was finally finished, he lay on the bathroom floor and the tears came at last. 

***

Clint couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was Phil. Unable to simply lie there any longer, he grabbed his bow and took to the vents. At least he could do something productive with his time and keep an eye on Tony. He was worried about what Natasha had confided to him earlier. He knew what that felt like – to be so low that a bullet looked like a _good_ thing. 

He made it to the vents above Tony’s bedroom and peered down. He smiled when he saw Natasha lying on the bed next to Tony. He gave her a little salute when she looked up at him then settled in to spend the night watching over the two below.

***

Steve didn’t know how long he had lain on the bathroom floor crying but suddenly he felt the overwhelming need to see Tony. He had to see him with his own eyes, had to talk to him and tell him how sorry he was and that he would do anything… _anything_ … to make it up to him. 

He made it all the way to Tony’s bedroom door before reality came crashing in. What the hell did he think he was doing? He couldn’t barge in there on Tony, forcing his presence on the other man. My God, did he plan on terrifying him in his own bedroom? Would there be no place that Tony was safe from him? As the realization of what he had nearly done sank in, Steve dropped to his knees. 

He stayed like that, unable to move, as the horror of the situation washed over him yet again. He was a monster – a bully of the worst kind – and still he tried to force himself on Tony. Even if it was only his presence, it was enough. 

That was how Bruce found him a few minutes later, on his knees in front of Tony’s bedroom door simply staring at it. There was such a look of anguished longing on the man’s face that Bruce felt his own heart ache. “Steve,” Bruce said softly as he laid a gentle hand on the man’s shoulder. “You okay?”

“Br-bruce,” Steve stammered, looking up at the other man. He had not even noticed him approach.

“What are you doing out here?” Bruce asked. 

“I just… I just wanted to see Tony,” Steve explained, his voice hollow. “I wanted to tell him I was sorry. To beg him to forgive me. Then I realized what the hell I was about to do and…”

“Ah,” Bruce nodded. Steve and Tony always did tend to gravitate toward one another when things were tense. It was only natural for Steve to seek out Tony now. 

“Yeah,” Steve said, giving a derisive snort. “But it’s not like I can just go in there and talk to him. If Clint and Natasha didn’t kill me before I made it across the threshold, that is. I can’t even go near him without it feeling like I’m backing him into a corner again.”

“Okay, first, nobody is going to kill you,” Bruce told him. “Emotions may be running a little strong right now, but everyone knows that you are not to blame for this. Second, this is not the place to be having this conversation. Let’s get you up from there and then we can go someplace more private.” Bruce took Steve by the arm then and began helping him from the floor. Once Steve was steady on his feet, Bruce led them back down into the common room where they had been earlier.

“You don’t have to babysit me. I won’t try to go near him again,” Steve told him when Bruce sat down beside him on the couch. 

“I’m not and I know that,” Bruce replied. They sat in companionable silence then, Bruce lending his support simply by his nearness. He knew Steve wasn’t ready for much more than that and he didn’t want to push. Needless to say, neither man slept that night.

***


	6. Chapter 6

Tony awoke to find Natasha on her side watching him. “Did you get any sleep?” he asked. He knew she had stayed with him the entire night, waking him whenever his nightmares started to get bad. 

“A little,” she said. “Clint and I switched off.”

“Clint was here?” Tony asked, looking around.

She nodded toward the ceiling and the duct directly above Tony’s bed. Tony squinted, trying to catch sight of the other man. It wasn’t until Clint gave a little wave that Tony was able to make him out. “I… He… All night?” Tony stammered, feeling both embarrassed and touched that the archer had been willing to stand guard over him.

“He couldn’t sleep,” Natasha said knowingly. “At least here, with us in sight, he could rest.”

“I, uh, I don’t really know what to say,” Tony began, coloring slightly. “Thanks, guys. Last night… well, it would have been rough on my own.”

“I’m glad we were here for you,” Natasha told him. She eyed him carefully, noticing that he seemed much steadier than he had the previous night. “I take it you’re feeling better?”

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Starting to get it all shoved back in that box inside my head.”

“Is that healthy?” she asked.

“Probably not,” Tony shrugged, “but it’s the only way I know to deal with it.”

***

By the time the trio made it to the kitchen, Bruce and Steve were already there. Steve was sitting at the table, staring at nothing while Bruce made coffee. Tony hesitated for a moment when he saw Steve, then forced himself to move forward and sit down across from him. “Hey, Cap,” Tony said softly. “You doing okay this morning?”

Steve looked up at him and Tony could see all the pain he was feeling. Without thinking, Tony reached over and covered Steve’s hands with his own. “C’mon, buddy. It’s gonna be okay. I know… I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it’ll get better. Nobody here blames you for anything, Steve, least of all me. Okay?”

“How can you… how can you stand…” Steve began only for Tony to cut him off.

“Uh uh. No,” Tony stated, gripping Steve’s hands tighter. “Just stop right there.”

“Tony…”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Tony said angrily. “You barely even touched me. I’m the one that freaked out. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Bruce said firmly. “Steve, you were under the influence and not responsible for your actions. Tony, you had a flashback. That isn’t your fault either. Look guys, it’s just going to take some time, that’s all. But we’ll get through this.”

“Yeah,” Tony replied. He let go of Steve’s hands and sat back rubbing his face. He couldn’t help but smile when Natasha set a fresh cup of coffee in front of him. Tony opened his mouth to say thanks when JARVIS’ voice interrupted.

“Excuse me, there is a priority message coming in from S.H.I.E.L.D,” JARVIS intoned. 

“What is it?” Steve asked, rising from his seat.

“The Avengers are to assemble immediately and meet Director Fury downtown at once. There has been some sort of… incident,” JARVIS informed them.

“Damn it!” Tony swore as he watched Steve rush from the room. This was the last thing any of them needed right now.

“Go,” Clint told him, clapping Tony on the shoulder. “I’ll keep an eye on him, don’t worry.”

Tony nodded then began racing toward the elevator that would take him to the roof.

***

By the time they arrived, downtown was swarming with Doombots. Tony tried to keep an eye on Steve but was soon forced to the opposite side of the battle. Knowing he had no choice, he turned his full attention to the fight at hand, trusting in Clint and the others to keep an eye on their Captain.

From his perch, Clint swore as Steve left himself open yet again. He was no longer providing cover for anyone but Steve and it was taking everything he had to keep the enemy off of him. Shaking his head, Clint fired another arrow through a Doombot that was about to cut Captain America down from behind. What Steve was doing was borderline suicidal. Clint should know. He had done his own stint of suicidally reckless behavior after Phil had died.

At last, the threat was eliminated and the Avengers regrouped to assess their injuries. Luckily, they had only sustained minor bumps and bruises. The only problem seemed to be with the Hulk. For whatever reason, he wasn’t reverting back to Bruce. 

The Hulk paced, snarling at anyone who made eye contact with him. He could hear Banner in his head telling him to calm down but he was too angry. Star Man had hurt Tony. To Hulk, that was unforgivable. The only reason he had not confronted the other man was because of Banner. Banner insisted that Tony did not want Star Man hurt. 

Just then Tony came over and laid his hand on Hulk’s arm. “What’s up, big guy?”

“Mad,” Hulk growled but did not pull his arm away.

“About what?” Tony asked. “The Doombots are all gone. We can go back home now.”

“Mad… Star Man,” Hulk told him. “Hurt Tony.”

“Yeah,” Tony nodded. “But he didn’t mean to. It wasn’t really his fault, so… so try not to be mad at him. Okay?”

“Hulk try. Tony like Star Man.”

“Yeah, buddy. I like Star Man. I like him a lot. He’s… he’s probably my closest friend.”

The Hulk looked at Tony for a minute and nodded then sat down. “Hulk send Banner back now.” 

“Thanks,” Tony replied and watched as the Hulk shrank back down to Bruce Banner once more.

***

Once the debriefing was over they returned to the Tower exhausted and went their separate ways. As soon as Clint was sure everyone else had gone to their own rooms to clean up, he headed to Steve’s. He wanted to talk to the other man and didn’t really want an audience for it. Especially Tony.

Steve wasn’t surprised at the knock on his door. He had been expecting Bruce to come round to talk to him again as soon as everyone was settled. When he opened his door, however, he was shocked to find Clint standing there.

“Can I come in?” Clint asked when Steve failed to say anything.

“Sure,” Steve replied, stepping back to allow the other man into the room. In truth, he had been expecting some sort of confrontation between him and Clint from the beginning. Everyone kept saying that Clint didn’t blame him but it was clear that he did. 

Clint walked in and took a seat. He could tell that Steve was apprehensive and, from the way he had been acting, he couldn’t really blame him. But that wasn’t the reason he was there. “Look, just sit down and listen.”

Steve nodded and sat down across from him. “I wouldn’t blame you,” he said softly. “I know you’re angry with me over what I did to Tony. If payback’s what you’re after…”

“Whoa, Cap,” Clint said, holding up his hands. “Nothing like that, I swear. Yeah, okay, I was mad. But it wasn’t you. Not really. It was… just everything. Loki and Phil and… I know what it feels like to be in Tony’s place. To be the guy with no control, no say. And I know what it’s like to be the guy doing the hurting.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, somehow feeling even worse. The last thing he wanted to do was dredge up Clint’s past.

“I’ll get over it,” Clint shrugged.

“I thought…” Steve paused, unsure if he should go on but needing to hear it from Clint. “I thought maybe… you and Tony… that that was why you were so mad…”

“No,” Clint said with a laugh. “Tony’s my friend. Nothing more than that.”

“Oh,” Steve said, relieved by the confirmation even though he knew he had no right to be.

“But that’s not why I’m here,” Clint said, trying to get to the point before someone interrupted them. “I want to talk to you about what happened today during the fight.”

“What about it?” Steve asked defensively.

“Look, I get it. Okay? I know what it feels like to wish you were dead. To feel like you should be punished even though everyone says it wasn’t your fault.” Clint hesitated, unsure how to put his thoughts into words. “But what you did today, you didn’t just put yourself at risk. You put the whole team in jeopardy. I couldn’t cover Nat. I couldn’t give Tony intel. I couldn’t watch out for Bruce. All I could do was try to keep those fuckers off of you while you tried your damnedest to get yourself hurt.” 

Clint fell silent then, letting his words sink in. He knew Steve didn’t need anything else on him right now but he could not let today’s behavior go unchecked. If he did, who knows what could happen next time.

“I… I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” Clint nodded. “Which is why I didn’t say anything in front of anyone else. And I know that just because none of us blame you for what happened doesn’t mean that you don’t blame yourself. But do you really think getting killed out there is going to make Tony feel any better? Or make this any easier on him?”

“No,” Steve whispered. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself. He hadn’t meant to cause Tony more pain. It seemed like no matter what he did, he just kept making things worse. 

“Good,” Clint said, glad to be done with the conversation. He stood up and gripped Steve on the shoulder. “Don’t be so reckless, okay? And if you really feel the need to get the stuffing beat out of you then ask Nat to spar with you. Or Hulk. Either of them would be willing.”

Steve simply nodded, unable to speak. Clint hesitated at the door. "Hey, Steve? If you need to talk to someone who knows what it's like, well..." He eyed Steve with concern as Steve nodded wordlessly again, distress plain on his face. This was going to take time to fix and someone a hell of a lot better at it than him, that was for sure.

Steve watched as Clint let himself out then he was alone again in his room. He felt like curling up and crying. Sure, his head hadn't been totally in the game on the battlefield today, but he hadn't realized that could have hurt anyone but himself. If Clint's attention had been on him when Natasha or Tony had needed it... He had let his team down, let Tony down yet again with another selfish act, Steve realized, suddenly overwhelmed with shame.

 

***


End file.
